he told me I talked like a deaf person
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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