its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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