Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
