Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
