I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
