Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
