I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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