I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
