Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
