: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
