Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
