I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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