he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
