Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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