do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
