You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
