Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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