I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
