just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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