We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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