So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
