I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I deserve this hangover.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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