i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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