I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
