he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
