P.S. I can't hear my feet
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
