We're facebook friends in real life
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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