Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
