No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
