dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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