i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So here I am, sexting at work.
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