Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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