Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
