When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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