I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
