i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
