I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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