omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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