If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
