whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
