omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
