I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
