I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
