It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
