ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
