I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
