So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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