Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
