i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize