Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
