Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
