Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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