My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
