dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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