My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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