Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
