Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
