So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
