quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
