I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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