This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We left an ass print on the piano.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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