do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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