somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
